I Found Myself During Lockdowns: My Career, My Crisis, My Journey, My Testimony

Once I began the study of science, the spiritual companionship that I had always relied upon was weakened. In other words, the function of living became the study of biological functioning. If biological functions end, so too does life. With the cessation of life, a different biological function takes over and the body begins decomposing. Through my scientific studies, there was no study nor premise of spiritual matter sustaining, or being involved, with life.

Working with death confused me because the body is so different once it dies. The warmth and beauty which accompanied the person while living are instantly gone. As a student of science, I equated warmth and beauty with oxygenated blood pumping through one’s veins. Upon cessation of these actions, the body instantly loses its appealing color, immediately changes odor, steadily loses warmth as it adjusts to the surrounding temperature, and remains unresponsive to any treatments applied to support life. Based on scientific learning, life depended on scientific balance. If a body moved out of scientific balance life would become unsustainable, and death would occur.

Before I entered college for my science degree, I had been a successful portrait artist. Art had never been a part of my life until I had children. The birth of a baby is wondrous and miraculous. Being a mother motivated my creativity, it magnified the love within my soul, and it inspired me beyond what I had ever dreamt possible. I experienced the world through possibilities and unparalleled joy. I painted the beauty of the soul, the light that I saw within the eyes, and the purity that touched my heart. Painting was a spiritual experience.

Science nullified the spiritual communication of art and replaced it with emotionless scientific processes for me. I felt the loss deeply within myself. It was difficult and a little frightening to suddenly feel as though my life’s beliefs had been wrongly placed. What I had perceived as spiritual knowledge and communication, now seemed to be emotional weakness. I was confused but seemingly more emotionally controlled. One might say I had gained emotional maturity. On the other hand, one might say that I lost my spirituality to a large degree. Whatever the interpretation of this change in my life, I felt it very strongly.

Friends and relatives noticed it immediately. They would comment on it incessantly. Many were impressed by it, but others were concerned over it. I thought about it and decided that it had to be related to age. Not being subject to hormonal influences was very liberating to me. I felt in greater control of myself than ever before, and I liked the strength to reason based on facts rather than emotions. At least, that is what I told myself.

I began questioning the existence of deity. I wondered if I had passed through 50 plus years of life placing my trust in superstitions and crazy tales of spiritual interactions and history. Had the stories of ancient prophets and people of the Bible been based on imaginations? Life became very different for me. I questioned the consequences of dishonesty and unkindness. Where did justice fit in? Were there consequences after death or did everything just stop without continuation after breathing ended? I had confusing questions swimming around in my head that I had never considered. I found that my confidence was somewhat affected by it and my happiness was eroding. I stopped painting because I no longer understood what was behind the eyes and how such beauty could just vanish. Life lost its luster for me, its purpose, and I began to falter.

Then, without warning, the most horrific thing in my life happened. I lost my grandson. His death ripped my soul right out of my body. I suddenly couldn’t understand why life even existed. There seemed no logical reason for elements to join together to form bodies that functioned so magnificently. What was the purpose? How could elements on their own, cooperate in perfect concert to produce scientific creation without divine orchestration, instruction, and purpose? It just didn’t make sense to me, it was not justifiable.

The year 2020, although difficult for the world, was a Godsend to me. Due to shelter in place mandates, I was afforded the time to redirect myself through personal evaluation. I was able to discover and define who I truly was and what I truly believed. I studied scriptures, scientific theories, prophets, and scholars, and finally realized that returning to the beginning was my answer.

It became evident to me that physical life and function are based on the balance of scientific elements working together, but that their possibilities operate under the orchestration, direction, and permission of deity. They have a purpose; I have a purpose. My testimony was rekindled and my spiritual strength began to return. My happiness and confidence have returned and I have begun painting again. I have started gathering friends again and I have a new grandbaby.

Spiritual strength, paired with scientific studies and understanding, encourages me to allow growth in knowledge without fear of personal loss. Science no longer confuses me. It no longer robs me of my hope or knowing and fulfilling my spiritual purpose. Together, science and spirituality have enlightened my mind to understand more fully the trials of life, the purpose of its journey, and the consequences of eternity.

Moreover, I once again feel the existence of spiritual comfort. I know who I am, I understand my purpose, and my fears of death are gone. I am free to love, to be emotionally moved, and to exercise spiritual growth. My mind is open to guidance and enlightenment. It has clarity, wonder, and order. I am happy again, my creativity is returning, and I am grateful for my blessings.

Following the loss of my grandson, I sustained many additional losses of loved ones. Without the enlightenment of 2020, I would not have been able to understand and accept those losses as I have. The journey of growth and understanding comes together with enlightenment. Without such blessings life and loss would have no meaning, they would be unbearable.

I hope that if you are confused, lonely, sad, or depressed that you will take the time for personal reflection and study. I don’t know that I could have continued on much longer, lost in a world without spiritual awareness. I am glad that that chapter is closed in my life. I am glad that I feel my Savior’s love again, and that I am free to share it with those seeking solace. I am grateful for my family and their love, and I am thankful that life does not end when breathing ceases. I believe in miracles and have benefited from the miracle of spiritual companionship that saves lives; that saved my life.

I am thankful for Christ's love and forgiveness.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” at https://open.spotify.com/show/7MHPy4ctu9OLvdp2JzQsAA or at https://anchor.fm/tracy874 and follow me on Instagram at "Deadline_TracyLee".